My Tips for the New Year

The best way to learn is from mistakes and so this year I am hoping to make some more. The following are some of the things I have picked up by living over the last twelve months –

The green stuff is parsley, don’t eat it.

The answer to ‘should I cut a fringe?’ is ‘no’.

Don’t believe anything that you read.

Stick up for yourself ruthlessly.

Forgive others unconditionally.

Auto-correct doesn’t always know best.

Have your own opinions. Your brain works just as well as any Guardian reviewer’s.

Give up everything (books, clothes, collectable items, your smile, your wit). The notion of ‘mine’ is laughed at in both Heaven and Hell.

There is such thing as Heaven and Hell. There is more to this world than what’s going on on this planet. Don’t be dumb.

It is never, ever too early for whiskey.

Regardless of how often you see people, your best friend is the one that knows how thick you spread the Marmite on your toast.

It is to your benefit to accept that there are some things in this world you may never understand – e.g. Harry Hill, decaf coffee, the incessant use of the word ‘literally’ to describe something that is not literal, and fancy dress.

Getting drunk is not the only way to fall asleep. A bottle of Calpol will sometimes do the trick just as well.

Cycling up The Alps on drugs has always been impressive. Cycling up them sober is mind blowing.

By all means try to be good this year. You find out how bad you are when you try really hard to be good.


Shit Happens.