Dear Justin

Dear Justin,

I’ve been listening to your new album 20/20 Experience and I absolutely love it. Your studio’s eclectic range of synths and your new blow dry really come through in the tracks. I’m sure you get loads of fan mail so I’m not expecting a reply, but I have to ask – is the opening line of Suit and Tie really “I be on my suit and tie, shit tied, shit”? Did you write that? Did Jay Z write that?

Emily

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Hey Emily,

Thanks for writing. Contrary to what you might expect I actually get no fan mail. At all. I’m glad you like the synths. We have 9,486,003 synthetic sounds available in the studio, you’re right! Can you hear them all? I hope so. We tried to get at least one beat of each synth onto the album.

That opening line was written by both Jay Z and I – a result of a game of consequences, if you must know. Write one word, fold the top of the paper over, pass it to the next person, and then back again. You know the game?

Justin

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JT,

Thanks for getting back to me. That is fascinating about how you wrote the lyrics. Since I sent you that email I have listened to 20/20 Experience over and over and it gets better each time. How do you do that?

Emily

p.s. Tesco have an excellent deal on Lurpak Spreadable at the mo. Looked like half price.

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Emily,

What is Lurpak Spreadable?

JT

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JT,

It’s butter that you can spread. You usually have to slice butter when it’s cold, like cheese. You then eat way too much, put on 18lbs every month and die of heart disease. It is a terrible state of affairs but Lurpak Spreadable allows you to get it real thin on the bread. It is dairy’s contribution to helping man live forever.

Emily

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Emily,

I told Timbaland about Lurpak Spreadable and he already knew what it was! I said it was half price and he was out the door and halfway down the road before I could say no.1 hit. And you were right, it’s great. Super smooth and mellow, befitting my new happily married demeanour.

JT

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JT,

That’s great news about the butter and your sickening demeanour. I can’t help noticing you didn’t answer my earlier question about how 20/20 Experience improves on repeat listening though?

Emily

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Justin?

Emily

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